What Could Have Been
by EternalAtlas
Summary: Edd tried to save the past, the scams, the jawbreakers. It got him nowhere. Now, he's so lost and alone that a bottle of pills and a razor seem like the only answer. But somehow, in his darkest hour, Kevin finds him. KevEdd. Dark and angsty but cute on the romance part.
1. Blood Underneath the Stalls

So I love KevEdd and had an idea, and now here we are...

I was inspired by a HiJack (Hiccup/Jack Frost) fic by CyXandrix called Guardian. Read it if you're a fan. It's fantastic.

WARNING FOR ENTIRE STORY: Suicide, self harm, self hatred, bullying, blood, bad parenting, cursing.

Enjoy!

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Chapter One: Blood Underneath the Stall

Eddward Marion Vincent slammed the men's bathroom door open. This was unusual. He didn't usually "slam" anything. Edd had a solid record of calmly opening and closing doors, but enough was enough. The lights flickered onto the black, orange, purple blur he was, and he stumbled into the nearby wall. His beat-up sneakers squeaked and left short skid marks as they hit the tiles. Any other day, he'd be on his knees cleaning it up, but today was different. He bit his lip to avoid crying. He'd had enough. Enough of being everyone's verbal and physical punching bag. Enough of expectations so high they hovered between the clouds. His fingers clawed at his black beanie, pulling it furthur down his head until it half-covered his eyes. He clumsily locked himself into the biggest stall, the one for the handicapped, and sat against the cool tile. Edd dug into his pocket and took out a small, orange bottle. His Dad's insomnia pills.

With shaky hands, he twisted the cap and dumped out all the contents. Around ten to twelve white circles fell into his palm. He could hear the bullies at school, taunting for being weak and unlike the others. He could see those (excuse his language) damned sticky notes covering the house, proclaiming how imperfect his actions were. How imperfect he was.

His friends, the few he had, were so distanced. They've moved on from the scams and jawbreakers. Even Eddy moved on, and that was practically his life. Edd, surprisingly, was the one who couldn't. Moving on meant he was alone, and so he stuck around Eddy even when he hung out with the wrong crowd. He stayed even though Eddy's friends tormented him every day, and even Eddy joined in occasionally. He stayed with Ed when he was isolated and sneered at for his eccentricities. He took all that torture to keep the past, and it got him nowhere.

The tears flowed down his chin and neck in tiny streams and soaked the tip of his orange shirt. He didn't think twice when he gulped all the white pills dry, one by one.

Edd went through his mental checklist, making sure he hadn't forgotten anything. He'd finally finished all the chores listed for him those dreaded sticky notes. It took him twice as long, so he'd lost time for homework and sleep. Not that either of the two mattered now. His parents should be happy with him or, at the very least, indifferent. He hadn't said a word to Eddy (he would've noticed something was amiss...possibly), but he had given Ed a quick hug the last time they had departed. He'd shredded and threw away his precious journal. There were too many personal thoughts. He didn't want his parents knowing how depressed they made him feel. He didn't want Ed or Eddy feeling guilt over the things they've done. It wasn't their fault. It was his own. Edd was sure there was some sort of chemical imbalance in his brain that made him feel so desperate. He cursed his anatomy.

Yet, despite that, he still held that unrivaled rage towards Eddy and the bullies and his parents. Toward the abandonment and shoves and slurs. It was ironic, really.

He numbly let the pills settle to his stomach as he took out his razor blade.

He rolled up the black hoodie that he'd become used to wearing and slashed at his right wrist twice like he usually did. He took more time into pressing the blade into his skin, and the result was a satisfying glob of red liquid bubbling and then pouring from the wound. He hissed and then repeated the action. No matter how many times he injured himself, it never ceased to hurt. But then again, neither did the emptiness he felt, so he continued to cut just to feel something.

And, after the fifth cut, he felt something, so he was happy. He felt the sharp, stinging pain in his right arm as it steadily bled and the rumble in his stomach as it protested the twelve white pills. He felt whole and alive and he almost wished he would live through this just to feel alive a bit longer, but there was no turning back and no crying. He used his good arm to messily sweep the tears away. A sort of unfamiliar wooziness crept onto him.

The taunts and the sticky notes filled his senses. Eddy and the bullies. Ed and the whispers behind their backs. The words that cut like his razor. The disgusted looks screaming so loud his ears bled. The disappointment his parents radiated. The scams that could've been. The jawbreakers never eaten.

A few traitorous tears leaked from Edd's eyes. He still wished for the past. For something. But there was nothing. He had nothing.

And then his world went black.

Kevin strolled into the men's bathroom. He was skipping class, not because he hated it particularly, but because Nazz had skipped school entirely, and he wasn't about to go through the whole day alone. Yeah, he had the entire baseball team and a couple others, but they bored him too quickly.

He slipped his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to Nazz, asking her to meet up with him in the woods by the back of the school. He then looked up and eyed his key to victory-the slide window. It was the only window in the whole school on the first floor with a slide mechanism, and, therefore, it was his only escape. He'd admit to using more than most other kids.

Unfortunately, the only way to get to the window was to stand on the toilet in the handicapped stall and use a ridiculous amount of upper arm strength and flexibility (that frankly, he didn't have). And, unfortunately, that one stall was the only one occupied. Kevin groaned inwardly. He just wanted to leave. He tapped his foot impatiently for thirty seconds and then dropped to the floor. He was going to kick this dork's ass once he found out who it was. But as he peered underneath the stall door, he saw red and all thoughts of ditching vanished. Blood.

"Oh, God." Kevin took a deep breath. Why did this have to happen? He just wanted to skip school. "Hey, man, you okay?" He mentally hit himself. Of course, he wasn't okay. He was fucking bleeding out.

He cleared his throat. "I'm...I'm just gonna slide in there, okay?" He went flat onto his stomach and crawled his way into the stall.

The first thing he was the nice little puddle of blood surrounding the kid. Kevin thought the word, "nice" was surprisingly fitting to describe what surrounded him. The blood circled the slumped figure in an artistic, meticulously considered way. It was a grotesque sort of beautiful. Then, he saw purple shorts, orange shirt, black hoodie,and a black beanie. Oh, _man_...

"...Double Dork?" Oh, Kevin remembered him. He remembered how he used to tease Edd when he, Ed, and Eddy were still stuck in a nerd pack like glue. Hell, his baseball friends _still_ teased him. Kevin was pretty sure the whole damn school did. He hadn't seen Edd since he'd was clinging to Eddy at that party a month ago.

He was frozen for a few moments but then shakily checked Edd's pulse. He couldn't find one, but then again, Kevin couldn't exactly remember how to do it correctly either.

Instead, he leaned in to see if he was breathing because, hell, if he wasn't, Kevin was going to freak out. There it was. Edd's breath was faint and diminishing fast, but it was there.

Kevin then grabbed his phone, shaking so hard he almost dropped it, and dialed 911. It took three tries which Kevin cursed at. Three times was wasting time Double D didn't have.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Kevin gasped, "There's this kid... he's bleeding everywhere...oh, God...and there's a bottle of pills here too. Empty and...open…fuck..."

The man on the phone continued, "Alright, sir, we're sending an ambulance right away. Where are you right now?"

Kevin bit his lip, "Peach Creek High School... the men's bathroom on the first floor. Science hallway."

"Could you please stay on the phone with me, sir? We will need your help on keeping your friend alive."

Sure, but Edd wasn't his friend. If they were friends, he was the shittiest friend ever.

"...Okay..."

The rest was a blur. The torturous wait, the crowd of paramedics, the loud shouts, and the eventual question of whether or not he wanted to come along.

He shouldn't go along. Hell, it should be one of Double D's actual friends. Did he have friends anymore? Eddy and Ed, he would guess. But nowadays he usually saw Edd alone.

Kevin didn't get the chance to respond. The paramedics ended up taking him, too, insisting he was in shock.

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So how'd I do? Good? Bad? Let me know!

Thanks for your support!


	2. Question of the Century

Hey guys! Thanks for all the responses! I thought the EENE fandom was dead, to be honest. I'm glad I'll have people liking my story!

WARNING: Self hatred, blood

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Chapter Two: Question of the Century

When Edd woke up, the first thing he registered was pain. His right arm pulsed red hot flames and Edd groaned and shifted uncomfortably in response.

His second thought was _why_. Why was he feeling pain? He was supposed to be dead. He wanted to be dead. Whoever found him saved him. He screwed up somehow. Maybe if he'd done it in a more secluded space. He knew not waiting until the final bell rang was stupidstupid _stupid_. Maybe if he'd sliced up his wrist a bit more or if he'd swallowed a couple more pills. God, he screwed up badly this time. Now the whole school knew. His parents knew. The person who saved him knew.

Which brought him to the pressing question: who in the name of Nikola Tesla saved him? He was in the bathroom that was _always_ empty-no matter what time of day. The only people he could think of who would be there were slackers skipping class.

So it was probably some high school delinquent, but if so then why'd they care? And who was it exactly?

It was the question of the century.

Maybe that was a little dramatic. He was so concerned mostly because whoever it was saw Edd at his most vulnerable, and it most likely wasn't Eddy or Ed, so there was an issue.

There was another wave of pain in his arm, and he groaned again, a little louder. His sapphire eyes opened slowly.

"Double D!"

"Hey, is he waking up?"

"Oh, Eddward!"

He was, surprisingly, met with four different faces: his mother, crying her eyes out, his father, stoic as always, Ed, excited to see him awake, and Eddy, with an uncharacteristically worried expression on his face.

"Eddward, are you in pain? Are you hurting anywhere?" His mother's voice was shaking.

"I...uh...my arm..." Edd hissed. He was evidently taken aback by the sheer amount of people and the overwhelming sense of concern dripping in the room.

"I'll get a-," Eddy coughed awkwardly into his arm, "A doctor. Hang in there, Sockhead." He walked off.

Once he heard the door creak shut, Edd let his gaze go back to his parents and Ed.

"Double D! We were so worried!" Ed gave him a half-hug, half-squeeze. "Me and Eddy were called down to the office, and the secretary-lady told us you were in the hospital, Eddy got really white and started asking if you were dead. Like a zombie! I didn't though, you couldn't be dead. We just hung out the other day."

"Eddy and _I_ , Ed," he corrected, "But thank you for your concern." Edd wasn't really sure what to feel. Ed and Eddy were worried about him. Ed made sense. They hung out fairly often, and Edd had dared to call him his friend. Eddy, though? Eddy just ignored him to look good for his friends. But, according to Ed, he cared about Edd's wellbeing which didn't make any sense at all.

A phone began to beep wildly. His father moved for his back pocket, swiped the screen, and he walked out of the room without a word.

Business call.

"Honey...Eddward, sweetie...why?" His eyes snapped to his mother.

Why?

 _Why?_

Because he felt worthless and unneeded. Because even waking up in the morning was a chore. Because he felt sick in worry for the taunting while going to school, and he felt empty and alone at home. Why? It was a stupid question to begin with, and Edd wondered _why_ she didn't know the answer.

"...I don't know." He set his gaze to the blank T.V. screen. He wanted his mother to understand what her actions, his father's actions, everyone's actions were doing to him. He wanted her to just know without him telling her. It was selfish, but Edd couldn't summon enough energy to care.

"Eddward, you know very well why you did this to yourself. The doctors-they said you planned it. You had you father's pills with you, which you _stole_ from the _cabinet_ , and your...your razorblade." She was shaking with anger, but Edd couldn't understand why she was angry. So he stole his father's pills. He would pay for them in workload once he was released from the hospital, he was sure.

"Yeah, I guess I did...mean to." He whispered. Ed still had that look on his face. The stupid, smiling, unnecessarily happy one. Edd was positive he was in another world.

His mother's face twisted in anger at Edd's vagueness, but she didn't have time to yell at him. His father returned to the room.

"Eddward, son, they need me at work. They've asked for your mother, too, but I don't know if she's willing to go. I need to make sure the company is okay."

Of course. Work was more important. The company was held at a higher standard than Eddward. Their own son was of lesser importance. It made sense. It was fine.

He looked at his mother. She was still clearly angry at him.

"Don't worry, honey, tell them I'll be there. I need a distraction anyway." Edd's heart fell straight through the floor. His own mother needed a distraction from him. He felt tears well up in his eyes, but he forced them down. No need to make his parents feel like they needed to stay with their lonely, suicidal son.

"We better get going, then."

"Feel better, Eddward. We love you." Feel better? That was so impersonal. So get-well-soon-card. It made the declaration of love afterwards horribly ironic.

And they left.

Ed was confused, really confused, but he didn't say anything. It was nice. Edd wouldn't want to talk about it anyway.

There was a jostle of the door handle, and the door slammed open.

Eddy strolled in with a doctor. "Hey, Double D. I've found someone you'd probably like to meet. And I got a doctor." That piqued Edd's curiousity.

"Who?"

"You're one and only savior, buddy. That's right. The infamous Shovel-Chin."

 _What?_

"What?" And, at the sound of his nickname, Kevin walked in.

Kevin sat in the hallway. He was released two hours ago. Nazz had been on his ass about not coming at the meet-up spot and then started freaking out when he told her the story. He convinced her not to race up to Peach Creek Hospital immediately.

He still couldn't believe one of his childhood…friends? Acquaintances? Victims? He couldn't believe Edd of all people would...

Well, no. He could believe Edd would do it. The guy was one of the most determined people he knew. He couldn't believe he would feel that desperate.

There was a lot of blood. Edd's a skinny guy, real bony, and tall-ish. It was strange to see he held so much blood.

The poor guy...

He regretted all the things he'd said to Edd as a stupid kid. He regretted everytime he beat the Eds up, no matter how much they deserved it. Kevin honestly felt sorry.

He even felt sorry for recently not stopping his friends from picking on him. He knew they did. They had done it in front of him a couple times.

Why was he even sitting outside Edd's hospital room? Why did he feel the need to go in there and just be with him? He was the cause of Edd's actions. Shit, everything was so fucked up. He lifted his baseball cap off his head and smoothed over his hair before putting it down again.

Eddy walked out of the room. The idiot still looked like his face was run over by a car only with additional faint tear streaks. He supposed he wasn't enemies with the idiot now, though. Eddy, at one point, had decided to become popular and started following Kevin around to do so, and Kevin learned to not hate him as much. Eddy took notice of him.

"Hey, Shovel-Chin, what the hell are you here for?" There was no malice in the words. Eddy sounded tired and defeated.

Kevin looked at his hands. "Found him. Doc said I needed to be treated for something lame. Shock, I think." Eddy raised his eyebrows.

"You found him?"

"Yeah. Was planning on ditching school, but instead I saw him there."

"Huh. Yeah, uh, thanks." There was an awkward silence. "You wanna help me find a doctor? He's awake."

It was Kevin's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Alright, I guess." He got up, a little disoriented, and followed Eddy.

They had found a doctor and were right outside the room when Kevin said, "I think I'll stay out of there." He rubbed the back of his neck.

Eddy gaped at him. "Are you kidding? Double D's in there, waiting to see who saved him. I doubt he knows yet."

He shook his head. "You go ahead, man. Double Dor-Double D probably hates my guts, alright?"

Eddy shrugged and opened the door. "Hey, Double D. I've found someone you'd probably like to meet. And I got a doctor." Kevin gave him the worst glare he could muster.

Kevin couldn't see him, but he heard a small voice say, "Who?"

Eddy had a shit-eating grin on his face. "You're one and only savior, buddy. That's right. The infamous Shovel-Chin."

There was a silence. And Kevin was dragged in by Eddy.

"What?"

Kevin's eyes met Edd's. "Kevin?" He made an attempt to smile at Edd.

"Hey, Double Dork, remember me?" Edd's eyes went from wide and round to dark and slitted. Oh, how could Edd forget about the jock who fed Eddy's hunger for popularity.

The doctor, ignoring the tension between the teenagers, took his time checking Edd's vitals, gave him medication for his hurting arm, and declared him good for the moment. He then left, politely reminding the others of the visiting hours schedule.

The door closed with a click and there was a pause of silence. "Eddy, as much as I love a good practical joke, doesn't this seem like the incorrect time for this?"

Eddy looked flustered. "No-why would you think that?"

Double D looked from Eddy back to Kevin. Kevin felt like he was being analyzed and all his past mistakes were being put into account.

The injured teenager then carefully turned to Ed, who was surprisingly quiet throughout the whole ordeal. "Ed, could you grab me something to eat from the hospital cafeteria. I'm practically starving."

He nodded excitedly and swung out the door, yelling, "See you later, Double D!"

It was just Eddy, Edd, Kevin, and the buzzing of machinery.

"I...would like to apologize for my accusations. I take responsibility for any pain they've inflicted."

"It's cool, Double D. I get it." Kevin chewed frantically on his bottom lip.

"I would also like to apologize for any stress I caused by being in a public place whilst dying. You see, I didn't take into account that a student would find me. I believed a teacher would come across my body long after school hours." His blue eyes tore into Kevin's forest green ones. "I apologize for the trauma I must have induced. There were no ill-intentions towards you, I assure you." Kevin was floored to say the least.

Eddy suddenly shot forward. "What? What the fuck are you taking? You fucking idiot, how dare you think it would've been okay if you weren't found!" He sniffled, sobs shaking his entire body. "Don't you ever think about us?"

The silence that followed was echoing.

"Us? As in you, Ed, and myself, I presume?" He scoffed. It was strange to hear the sound come from his lips. It was too harsh. "You've dropped Ed long ago, and I've only been around to assert your power position to your friends." Eddy blanched. His mouth snapped shut, and he stalked out of the room. His eyes held more tears. Edd knew he had taken things too far, but he was too angry to care.

"Double D..." Kevin started.

"I'd rather not deal with the obligatory get-well-soons, Kevin. You and I both know there is no substance to those words. I appreciate the care you've exhibited the past few hours, but it would be best if you leave."

Kevin maintained his position, a little shocked. "No," Edd looked taken aback, "Look, I don't know what's happened to you, but being alone isn't going to magically make things better." Edd fidgeted in his bed.

"You don't know that."

A uncertain chuckle, "No, not for sure, but I know being stuck with your own thoughts is only good in certain situations, and, considering yours, I don't think it'd be best."

Edd took a deep breath and nodded slightly, "I know. I just...don't want to talk."

Kevin met his eyes for a split second before he looked away. "You don't have to. How about I talk, and you listen?"

Edd felt shivers down his spine, and he nodded a little too fervently.

Kevin didn't stop talking for fifteen whole minutes. He talked about his day and why he was going to ditch class and Nazz, and he avoided all of the suicide attempt, but talked about his nurse and meeting Eddy. Edd laughed along with his story and, for a few moments, forgot why he was at the hospital.

He dared to think it, but Kevin Barr was not such a bad guy.

Unless this was all some sort of scheme to gain Edd's trust before he crushed it to a million pieces. He wouldn't put it past Kevin. Edd needed more evidence that Kevin had changed since their younger years.

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Ahaaa. I think I got Kevin, Edd, and Eddy's characters down but Ed? Yeah I have to work on him. He's so hard to write. Also, I hope I wasn't too clichè with Edd's parents. I wanted them to care...kinda.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Muffled Apologies

Oh hey! It's me again. Thank you all so much for your support! I never would have imagined people would like my story this much!

Thanks to green apple lover 1, Shiro-Sensei, sexxibug (twice! :P), Eriolchan (twice again! xD), FaolanLupa, Ern Estine 13624, and three guests for those wonderful reviews the past two chapters. :)

On another note, I wrote Ed again. It's probably better than when he spoke last time but probably not by much. I'm sporadically watching more EENE trying to figure him out.

If you haven't watched the EENE movie, there's some things mentioned in this chapter that reference it, so you might be a little confused.

One more thing: So I know I was supposed to post earlier, but I have this issue where I can't figure out good chapter endings. I cut this one shorter than I wanted because otherwise it wouldn't have ended, so I hope it's still okay!

WARNING: Bad language, self hatred

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Chapter Three: Muffled Apologies

Ed thundered through the large hallways of the hospital. He was careful not to spill his container of gravy or Edd's snack. As he stomped on, he chanted, "Gravy! Gravy!" A huge, dorky grin was plastered onto his face.

His chanting was interrupted when he saw Eddy in a waiting room area near Edd's room. He was sitting in a chair, his hands knotted in his hair.

"Eddy! Guess what they had at the hospital cafeteria?" Ed bounded towards his childhood friend. He then shoved the container into the shorter boy's face, the brown liquid sloshing against the sides.

"Not in the fucking mood, Lumpy. Go bother whoever the asshole in the hospital bed is."

Ed didn't move. "Kevin's sick again?"

Laughing emptily, Eddy shook his head. "Nah, that idiot's released. He's still hanging around Sockhead though."

Ed looked questioningly at Eddy. "Who are you mad at, Eddy? The evil Zombie Overlord from _Undead War_?"

Eddy shrugged. "Double D's changed a lot, Lumpy. He's grown up. Not like you and me."

"Double D's the same! He's just hurt real bad." The other just absentmindedly scratched his arm and stared at the floor.

"I know, big guy. It's just hard to get why he hurt himself." He played with his belt loops. "I know I've been a jerk lately, but he's got you and his nerd friends," Eddy mumbled. He wasn't completely certain about Edd's other friends. In fact, Eddy wondered if he did have other friends.

"No, Eddy. Double D's hurt in the heart. That's what matters." Eddy snapped his eyes back to Ed. "The doctors fixed his arm and stomach already remember?"

"Yeah and I tried to help him out. He doesn't want to talk to _me_ anymore." Eddy felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes again. He had to stop crying. It was getting ridiculous. He blinked back the tears.

"Hearts don't heal that fast, Eddy," he grinned, "You just gotta show him you care."

Eddy smirked, a little surprised by Ed's words, "That was weirdly inspirational, big guy. Thanks." Ed widened his smile.

"Now let's get this food back to Double D! We don't want the aliens to eat it first!" With that, he ran unsteadily back to Edd's hospital room.

Edd giggled in fits as Kevin gestured abstractly in his storytelling. He was making fun of Eddy trying to talk to Nazz at a party. Even though Edd felt he should be uncomfortable because he wasn't at the party nor was he invited, he wasn't. Kevin somehow put Edd into the story.

Kevin was mimicking Eddy's nervous stutter when Ed bounced into the room, all limbs and smiles.

"Double D! I got the food you wanted!" Edd widened his eyes at the tons of Saran-wrapped subs and bags of assorted chips.

"Wow, Ed. Thank you for caring, but I don't believe I need this much food." He couldn't stop staring at the sheer mass of food in his arms.

"I know! The gravy is for me, and I'll have a sandwich too and probably some chips but the rest is for you and Kevin and Eddy." Edd raised an eyebrow.

"Eddy's still here?" Ed nodded and whipped his head right and left.

"Eddy! Where'd he go?" He threw the food onto a chair and rushed out of the room. Kevin and Edd could hear the conversation from the outside.

"What the hell? I told you, Lumpy. I can't go in there. He's pissed at me."

"Double D's not mad. Not anymore at least. C'mon, Eddy."

"Go away, okay? Have fun with your gravy or whatever."

"No! You're coming, too!"

"Hey! Get off me, Monobrow! I told you I want to be alone! No!"

Ed then walked in, swinging a very angry Eddy in his arms. Ed had a tight grip on his underarms, so the shorter boy didn't look like he was getting anywhere anytime soon.

"Eddy?" Edd widened his eyes a bit before looking away, ashamed.

"Let go a'me, you big dope. I won't be going anywhere." He grimaced as Ed almost dropped him to the ground. "Sockhead, uh..." Edd shook his head fervently, and words spilled from his mouth.

"I'm so deeply apologetic for my words earlier. I could have been so much kinder. It's just that I have been through a lot in the last couple hours-or years, if you want specifics." Edd tugged the edge of his recently acquired hat over his eyes. "But there is no excuse for lack of consideration in our conversation earlier. Please forgive me, Eddy. I know you didn't quite mean it. I would hate to lose one of my few friends although I would completely understand if you never wished to speak to me again." Eddy was so stunned his throat felt like some invisible force was stuck inside.

Edd's mind spun with negativity. Eddy didn't want to be here. He thought Edd _hated_ him. That wasn't at all true. The hospitalized teenager just wanted Eddy to understand-maybe apologize-but never to drop him out of his life. Oh, _Marie Curie_. He was going to lose one of his only friends. He was going to actually lose Eddy. Eddy-who made his life so much more appealing with his scams and jokes and positivity. Eddy-who created their infamous trio and allowed Edd in despite his bothersome OCD and anxiety and strange quirks. Eddy-one of his two longest best friends and now one of his only friends at all.

He began shaking and dragging his fingernails along the fabric of the bandage.

"Hey, Double D? You okay?" Edd was snapped back into hospital room by the sound of Kevin's deep, tenor voice.

"Oh...yes, Kevin. I was simply lost in my own thought," Edd spoke. His voice wavered slightly.

Eddy bit his lip, staring at the way Edd picked at his injuries, and whispered, "You shouldn't touch your bandages. It's only gonna make you bleed again."

Edd nodded absently and took his hand away from his bandages. He didn't want Eddy to hate him.

"Now everyone's here and we can have a party!" Ed shouted.

They all grinned at Ed's cheer, and Kevin reached for the sandwiches. He tossed one to Eddy. Eddy stumbled a bit to catch it, but he failed miserably, and it landed onto the tiled floor. Eddy groaned as he picked up the sandwich, noting how flat the sandwich now was. He shrugged and began to unwrap it. At least he _had_ a sandwich. Kevin then gave Edd a warm smile as he handed him a sandwich.

Edd appeared surprised at the action. Kevin shot a confused look back.

"I...don't understand."

"Don't understand what, Double D?"

All three of the Edd's companions waited for an answer.

"Shouldn't you be more repulsed by my...previous actions?" Kevin blinked hard while processing Edd's words.

"Repulsed?" Eddy questioned softly.

"Yes. Repulsed. Or maybe disturbed is a more accurate adjective? Unnerved? Disgusted? Grossed out by?"

Ed scratched his head. "Moldy cheese is gross. Not you, Double D."

There was a beat of silence before Eddy doubled over laughing. "Gonna have to agree with Lumpy here."

Kevin nodded. "I think Ed's got the right idea."

Edd didn't smile in a way that reached his eyes, but he felt a glimmer of happiness.

Ed's stomach rumbled. "Now, can we party?"

"Yeah, let's eat, dorks." Kevin unwrapped his sub, mouth watering at just the view of the food.

They all began tastelessly devouring the food, not exactly speaking but enjoying each other's company. Edd couldn't help to notice how _nice_ it felt. He was reminded of seventh grade-their big year of scams. That was the year Edd realized how much he needed Eddy and Ed. That was the year when Eddy screwed up majorly, and they ran away for a couple days to find a safe haven at Eddy's brother's place-which, of course, didn't go as planned. That was the year they began to taste acceptance and popularity when they defeated Eddy's brother, and it lasted a little less than another year. And then everything went south.

He shuddered slightly at the memory and swallowed the last bite of his sandwich.

Kevin and Eddy were already long-finished with their own meals, and Ed was snacking on his gravy. Edd tried (with no avail) to ignore how he used his hands to scoop the liquid into his mouth.

Kevin cleared his throat, crumpling the Saran wrap in one hand. "So that was the worst sub I've eaten...ever." Eddy cackled as he opened a bag of chips to wash out the taste. Kevin mimicked him.

"I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who found our meal displeasurable," Edd grimaced at the flavor, and he was tossed a bag of chips as well.

Eddy wrinkled his nose and nodded, "Yeah. Next time, Boxhead's treating us to pizza."

Kevin shot Eddy a look but replied, "Works for me. Anything to never eat that shit again."

"Language, Kevin." Edd muttered off-handedly. He immediately slapped his hand over his mouth in surprise and sputtered muffled apologies.

Eddy laughed out loud. "You _still_ do that, Sockhead? Lighten up a little. They're just words." Edd's ears turned candy apple red but frowned.

"They're vulgar words spawned from hateful thoughts. I choose not to be surrounded by such hatred." His voice became a little quieter, softer at the end. The change didn't go unnoticed.

"Whatever floats your boat, Sockhead." Eddy played off his nervousness with a shrug.

They continued joking around for a few minutes when there was a quick knock on the door of the room, and the doctor from before walked in.

"Unfortunately, visiting hours are over. You can visit it again at six in the morning if you'd like. Eddward, I'm going to add more medicine to your IV, so you may get drowsy quicker than you expect." The doctor then moved to administer the drug.

Ed whimpered slightly, "No more party, Double D?"

"Sorry, Ed, but there is a limit to how much fun we can have together since I am in the hospital." Edd smiled gently at Ed.

"Oh, _fuck_!" Kevin shouted. Everyone jumped.

"Language, Kevin!" Edd spoke, shocked. "What could possibly be the matter?"

He pointed frantically at his digital watch. Bright green numerals showed that it was far past ten o'clock.

"Damn, it's late." Eddy muttered. "I'll call my mom to pick us up. Sound good, big guy?" Ed nodded.

Kevin blanched. "I haven't told anyone I was here. My phone died before I could. Oh, man. Mom and Dad are gonna kill me."

Edd chuckled, "I'm sure you're parents will be reasonable once they know the circumstances."

Kevin shook his head. "No, man. You dorks don't get it. I probably have a million messages and missed calls." He turned to Eddy. "Can your mom bring me home, too?"

Eddy smirked. "Scared you'll never see the light of day again?"

Kevin rolled his eyes. "Just let your mom know I'm carpooling with you, Dorky."

In a few minutes, Edd started drifting off to sleep as result of the new dosage of drugs. Eddy got a call from his mother notifying him she was outside the hospital.

They all waved Edd a goodbye and strolled out of his hospital room.

Once they left, Edd couldn't seem to get back to the drowsiness from a few minutes prior, realizing he was alone with his thoughts and memories.

And that was never a good thing.

* * *

Kind of a cliffy? I tried to make it good.

Before I go, here's a shameless self-promo. I have a Tumblr for anyone interested in my personal endeavors. It's not a fanfiction-specific thing, but you can talk to me about any fanfiction (KevEdd or otherwise) you've read since I'm up for anything. It's **voltronslegs**. Thanks again!


	4. Usual Overanalyzing

Sorry guys, but all future updates will be pretty sporadic from now on. I hate to do this, but I've got a lot going on. I hope that's still okay!

Also, remember how some of you kinda were okay with Edd's dad? Ahaa...

SUPER BIG thanks to my reviewers last chapter: Ern Estine 13624, KawaiiLoner69, Eriolchan, FaolanLupa, Chakra-hoothoot, and Iamoteen

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Chapter 4: Usual Overanalyzing

Eddy grumbled as he watched Kevin and Ed climb into the backseat of his mother's SUV. He fumbled to get comfortable in the passenger seat.

"I can't believe any of this," he muttered. His black, gelled hair drooped in his face, and his mouth was set in a contemplative frown.

"Can't believe what, Eddy?" Ed gave him a doofy smile. Eddy turned around towards the back of the SUV to answer.

"I don't know. Double D's a lot worse than I thought." Eddy rubbed his temples. "And it was my fault, too. Ed, you don't get it 'cause you can't do anything wrong. I screwed up, big guy. And I know for a fact he won't forgive me any time soon." His mother gave him a eyeliner-rimmed glance but left him alone. She felt it was best to have him figure things out himself.

Kevin nodded. "I get it, Dorky, but don't act all high and mighty. It's my fault, too."

Eddy suddenly barked with laughter and smirked at the other. "Look at us. We're competing for who's more guilty about Sockhead. What kind of idiots are we?"

Kevin joined into the laughter, and Ed giggled a bit, although he was a bit confused about why.

They pulled up to the Barr's residence, and Kevin waved a quick thanks and goodbye before shuffling towards his house.

Oh man. His mom was going to murder him. And his _dad_? He was lucky if he survived the night.

He turned the doorknob with building trepidation. Sucking in as much oxygen as his lungs could handle, Kevin pushed the door open to find his parents sitting on the couch watching some crime show on TV. His mother, Kathleen Barr, immediately stood up at the sound and sight of her only child walking into the house. Her short, fiery bob bounced with her movement. His father, Daniel Barr, just gave him a steely look over his rectangular glasses before focusing back onto the television. Kevin figured he'd get a mouthful from his father later.

"Kevin!" She screeched. "Where were you? Are you okay? Why couldn't you answer me?" Her bare feet padded heavily against the hardwood as she stormed to her son.

"I left school early. The school didn't call you?"

Kathleen threw her hands into the air and groaned. "Of course! Those idiots wouldn't know jack shit about parental notification!" She ran a hand through her hair. "And you, Kevin. Where did you go? Why was this excused? That reminds me. One more skip, and I'm homeschooling you, young man. And _why couldn't you call me_? All I do is worry about you, I swear."

Kevin gulped loudly. He shrunk under his mother's stern gaze. "There was a kid who almost killed himself, Mom. I went to the hospital with him 'cause...I dont know. I felt guilty, I guess. _Fuck_." Somehow, in the middle of talking, he started shaking. He heard a soft, "Oh, honey..." and suddenly he was engulfed in a hug.

He would fervently deny it later, but he shed his fair share of tears in her arms.

Mr. Daniel Barr slowly got up. He walked over to Kevin and rubbed his shoulder. "I bet you're starving, Kev." And with those words, Kathleen was jolted into Super-Mom mode.

"Let's get you dinner. Hospital food is disgusting, I know. You did eat, right? I gave you emergency money for a reason. C'mon, sweetie. I'll heat up some baked ziti, and you can tell me the whole story."

Kevin gave a shaky smile. "Thanks mom."

"Don't think you're off the hook. You didn't call me," she said, scooping out a portion of the dish.

"My phone was dead!"

"Excuses, excuses."

After he had eaten the baked ziti, he had talked more about Edd to his mother.

"Do I know who it was?" Kathleen whispered, rubbing circles into his back.

"Yeah…you know Eddward Vincent, right? He lives in the house across from ours." She gasped quietly.

"Oh Lord. Were Child Services there?"

Kevin paused and looked quizzically up at his mother, "No...? Why would they be there? Is that procedure or something?"

She cursed under her breath and pulled out a chair for herself. "You know how Eddward usually ends up alone most of the time because of his parents' work, right, hun?"

"Yeah," he annunciated slowly. He wasn't liking where this was going.

"Whenever I do hear them come home, they end up making a lot of noise over there. I don't know why, but that boy is so shy, I figure it was something bad."

Kevin gripped onto the edge of his chair with sickly white knuckles. She continued, "One time, back when we had block parties, the mother-Martha was it?-she went on and on about how ungrateful he was. That was back when we had a lot of parties around the cul-de-sac, so I remember we had Eddward over several times. I told her that couldn't be true since he was so polite, but she blew up on me as if I'd caused all her problems." She shook her head. "I don't think Eddward's had a good home life, Kev. You have to be careful with him."

Kevin nodded stiffly, "Who the hell do they think they are? He's not their _slave_ , Mom!"

"Sweetie, I know you're angry, but you can't get involved with his personal affairs. We don't know the whole story. We aren't even completely sure if anything is going on," she whispered. Kathleen proceeded to rise from her chair and ruffle Kevin's hair.

"I don't know what to do," Kevin muttered.

Kathleen grinned softly and picked up Kevin's empty plate, "You'll figure it out as time goes on. In the mean time, you should get to bed. You have school tomorrow, and you're going and _staying_ whether you like it or not. After school, you can visit Eddward again if you'd like."

Kevin felt the corners of his lips turn upwards, "Thanks, Mom."

"You aren't off the hook, mister. You're still getting punished for not contacting me." She flashed him a stern look and went back to the living room where Daniel was pleasantly snoring.

Kevin then dragged his feet up the stairs and into his room. He glanced fondly at the shrine to Star Trek on one side and the shrine to his favorite baseball team in the other. _Ah, home._

He plugged in his phone, and, as it lit up, he was bombarded with unanswered text messages and missed calls. There was an overwhelming amount from his mother alone. He was grateful he fixed the misunderstanding with her. Another abundance of messages came from Nazz. Of course. He never checked in with her. Figuring he better call her to tell her everything, he dialed Nazz's familiar number.

It rang once. "Nazz?"

 _"It's about time you called."_

Edd woke up to the sound of the machines buzzing. He had a rough night. His mind couldn't stop reeling about how much he enjoyed spending time with Kevin, Eddy, and Ed. It was almost like seventh grade again. It was all he had ever wanted. It was perfect.

But then he couldn't help to realize why it was so perfect.

They all pitied him. Edd should have known better than to blindly accept their pity. He had mistakenly taken it for actual concern. They must be laughing at his ignorance.

The logical part of his brain told him he was being his usual overanalyzing self. He knew there was a possibility, no matter how slim, that they might actually be concerned about him. It was just hard to feel they truly cared now when, just yesterday, he was sure no one cared at all.

Yet, they looked honestly sorry for alienating him all those years. Eddy even shed a few tears for his sake which was rare in any case. It was like they were still best friends, and Edd hadn't just tagged along for the last hundred hangouts. It was like he mattered.

Sick joke, huh?

Kevin, too, appeared just as sorry as Eddy. What Edd liked about Kevin's guilt is that he played pretend with him. He'd decided to treat him as if they were friends all along. Edd knew it was fake. He only wanted immediate companionship. Although he had yet to hear an apology from both of them, he just wanted their friendship now. He got it from Kevin, but it was a stupid thing to ask from Eddy, considering the reality of the situation. Their concern had a time limit, and once that time was up, Edd would be back where he was yesterday.

Some time passed, and Edd had his IV drip exchanged for a brand new one. His parents returned briefly-his mother still looked angry about the day before, but his father just seemed apathetic. The doctor hurriedly ushered them out of the room to talk. He could hear the murmurs of a serious conversation. The murmurs suddenly spiked into shouts.

"No! Absolutely not!" His father's voice bounced off the white walls.

"Sir, your son is mentally unstable-"

"This is ridiculous. You can't tell me how to raise my son."

"I'm trying to save him!"

Edd gnawed at his bottom lip. He felt pressure behind his eyes but didn't give in to it. He wouldn't cry. He wouldn't.

He knew how his father felt about mental illness. Samuel Vincent had a no tolerance policy for the physically weak but an even stricter policy for the mentally weak. He didn't really believe in it, even though he was a scientist at heart. He thought it was a pathetic excuse.

"My son does not need _therapy!_ I will not allow you to control how I raise _my_ son," he bellowed.

He needed to toughen up. He needed to be stronger, to fix himself. He needed to show everyone he could handle being himself. If the doctor somehow won the argument, and Edd had to go to a therapist, his father would never look him in the eyes again. He needed to prove he could survive without it.

But first he needed to convince himself he didn't need it.

His parents walked back into his room, and Edd wasn't alone. His parents were just sitting uncomfortably in their business attire. He would almost rather be alone. At least, if he were, he could think properly to himself.

All the thoughts running through his head with his parents beside him lmade him extremely anxious. He should talk to them, but they wouldn't listen. They were disappointed in him already, why not spill his guts? Except then they might as well disown him. Then, where would he go? Eddy's house? Not after his suicide attempt. The atmosphere would just ooze pity. Ed's house? Not with Sarah there. She still loathed him. Kevin's house?

That's what shook him out of his thoughts. It was a completely ridiculous notion. Edd didn't even know Kevin. They were neighbors, acquaintances. Nothing more. He only started talking to the teen recreationally yesterday. And yesterday was his suicide attempt. There was no real attachment or care towards Edd. It was like a get well soon card. Pleasantries and surface-deep concern. There was absolutely no way he could live with Kevin if his parents disowned him. Plus, the idea was fictional in its entirety since he was never going to talk to them about his emotions and issues.

"Eddward, dear, please talk to us," his mother begged. His eyes remained trained to his hands. Oh, the irony!

"Son, if you don't tell us, they'll force you into therapy. Vincents aren't weak-minded, Eddward. You aren't weak-minded," his father loomed over him, "Just tell us the truth. You were only craving attention, right?"

That made Edd's muscles freeze. Did he just do it for attention? He wanted attention, yes. He certainly didn't get any attention from his parents or from friends.

Oh, _Charles Darwin!_ What if he was just being a needy teenager? Maybe every one of his peers felt just as lonely as he did. Maybe they all were handling it just fine.

For the first time in his life, Edd somewhat believed he was being a child about everything. The bitter loneliness. Losing all his friends. The bullies. The taunting. Being used as a toy for Eddy. Being a social outcast with Ed. He was overreacting. Normal teenagers faced similar, possibly worse situations all the time.

But, if he was simply overreacting, why did he always feel this gnawing entity ripping at his soul? Why did movies depict holidays with a warm family, not a child reading in an empty house, alone? Why did it feel so unbearable to just live?

"Eddward, please."

"Grow up, Eddward. The world doesn't revolve around you."

He was just overreacting. He was a self-centered child. It was all a scam for more attention. Eddy and Ed had moved on, and he just couldn't accept that they didn't need him. That they didn't want him.

He was so focused on keeping what could have been that he didn't realize it could never be.

"I...guess I have been searching for attention, and maybe...yesterday was the product of my selfishness." His mother scowled with disapproval, and his father gave him a knowing smirk.

"And to think therapy was honestly an option. Doctors these days are so quick to diagnose mental disorders."

* * *

Title mention! The title for What Could Have Been is really important to the plot in a couple of different ways. Thanks for sticking with me!


	5. Haven or Hell

Hey! I'm back! And I am determined to get the ball rolling! Thanks for sticking with me, and sorry about the shortness and lack of actual KevEdd...

OH MAN THE REVIEWS! I LOVE YOU ALL! Thanks to Ern Estine 13624, CandlelessFlame, HawkeyePierceIsYouDoctor, Eriolchan (It means so much to me that you've reviewed every chapter, and your comment was so sweet! Thanks!), KM Forever, and two guests for your wonderful reviews!

WARNING: Woah so this was brought up in the last chapter but parental abuse. Also, more self-hatred and there is a cutting mention. And if you have a depression or any sort of illness please please please get help and do take your medicines regularly. Don't trust Edd-he's the most unreliable narrator I've ever written. I just don't want any of my readers getting the wrong idea.

DISCLAIMER: See Chapter One

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Chapter Five: Haven or Hell

They took him to a mental health clinic. The doctor said it was required, merely procedure. Edd thought his father never looked angrier. The only reason Samuel Vincent even agreed was because the doctor threatened him with calling Child Services if he didn't. The entire situation had been mortifying.

 _His father had grabbed his shoulder and gave him a stone cold look. Eddy gulped. He could do this. He watched Mr. Vincent leave, and Dr. Rank enter the room. It was just Edd and the doctor now._

 _"_ _What was it you wanted to talk about, Eddward? Are you feeling any abnormal pain?" He asked. The guilt tugged at his heart. The words spilled out his mouth like vomit._

 _"I am so deeply apologetic, but I've come to terms with my childish need for attention and my stunt yesterday came as a result from it."_

The doctor nodded vacantly, but Edd had wanted to take the words back at the time. It felt like a lie on his tongue, but, now, he had grown acceptant of it. He was the lowest of the low. He gave people with actual mental illness a bad reputation. How dare he. There was nothing wrong with his brain. Nothing, nothing. Overreacting, that's all.

When Eddy, Ed, and Kevin find out, they would be furious with him. First of all, the nurses at the mental health clinic wouldn't allow him to have his phone. No phone, no communication, everyone hates him. It was a simple flow chart, really. And then they'd find out Edd was just an attention-hog.

Eddy especially would hate him. He would be beyond enraged. He would probably drag Ed into the mess once he found out. He'd tell Ed how selfish Edd had been, and Ed may be slower than most, but he can understand the term, "liar."

Edd wasn't too worried about Kevin. He had thought about forming a friendship with him, but, since the attempt was a pathetic cry for attention, Kevin would probably revert to pummeling him into the ground, bandages or not. It just hurt to lose the possibility of friendship.

Who was he kidding? Kevin Barr was the most popular boy at Peach Creek High. There was no way he would lower himself to Edd's level. He never has before. As he said earlier, Kevin was only around because he pitied Edd.

 _Stop it. Stop blaming them for things you put yourself through. That's why you tore up your journal before you tried to kill yourself. You suffer in silence because it is your fault._

They called the hospital "Haven" with which Edd couldn't help but smile grimly at. It reminded him of that summer years ago with Ed and Eddy…

As much as his father hated it, the facility and specialists were nice, and he could avoid everyone. He was sure no one knew or cared he was here, but they couldn't visit anyway. Family only.

* * *

After school, Kevin rushed to the hospital, heading directly to Edd's room. His sneakers skidded against the tiles as he stopped in front of Edd's room. The door was ajar; the room was empty. He was so sure this was the room though. Shaking his head from his daze, he hastened back to the lobby and went directly to the secretary.

"Excuse me, but where is Eddward Vincent? I'm a friend of his." The word friend sounded foreign on his tongue, but just knowing Edd wouldn't make her give him information.

She raised her eyes at him studiously and then focused her attention back to her computer.

"Eddward Vincent? Let me see..." She began to type.

"There's two D's," he interrupted. She glanced at him again, but said nothing and nodded, continuing to type.

"He was released a few hours ago."

Kevin raised one eyebrow, "Released? How? Just yesterday he almost d-died?"

The secretary sighed, "Look, hun, I don't make the rules. You said Eddward Vincent right? He was the suicide attempt survivor from yesterday?"

Kevin nodded, "Y-yeah. That's him." She waved him closer to the desk and brought her voice ten decimals quieter.

"You didn't hear this from me, but the father had a ridiculous argument with Dr. Rank about therapy. He insisted therapy was out of the question, but, of course, it's mandatory for self-harming patients. Anyway, what I heard is that Dr. Rank won the argument, and the father was infuriated. He dragged that boy to the Haven clinic, and I swear I almost called the cops."

"Fuck," he muttered. His mom was right about potential abuse. "When can I see him again?"

The secretary shrugged, "Usually it's a mandatory week of rehabilitation, but I wouldn't be surprised if that father fought Dr. Rank on it."

"A week?" He groaned, "Can I, at least, visit him?"

She shook her head, "No, I'm afraid not. I really shouldn't give this much information. Don't tell anyone I told you these things."

"I won't. Thanks," he sighed and turned around to leave. Kevin figured he should Ed and Dorky about the situation, if they didn't know already. He turned the corner to the direction of the cul-de-sac.

Kevin knew he shouldn't care so much. He'd been such a bad person towards Edd. He didn't deserve his friendship, but Edd needed him. He needed someone to support him since his family was doing a shitty job of it. But once Eddy and Ed were on good terms with Edd, he'd back off. They were on different playing fields. Edd had so much potential and Kevin? He was lucky if his athletics got him into college. He was scraping by as it was. He didn't want to drag Edd down with him.

Kevin's fist was raised and frozen in front of Eddy's door. He ground his teeth together, a bad habit of his. He didn't even realize he was doing it most of the time, but right now, it was a conscious thought. The unhealthy scrape of tooth against tooth was strangely comforting.

Kevin Barr doesn't willingly talk to Eddy Sampson. Kevin Barr also doesn't go running to Eddy Sampson for a pep talk, but that was exactly what he was doing. Well, he wouldn't say it was for a pep talk. He was going to discuss Edd's current placement and tell Eddy not to screw it up. That was it. Maybe he'd kick his ass, too, depending on Eddy himself obviously.

He squeezed his eyes shut and knocked the door with trepidation. A few seconds later, the door creaked open.

"It's a pal a'mine, Ma!" A gravelly voice shouted, "Can't get enough of me, can you Barr? Look-we need to spend some time apart. I can't see you twice in two days with no party in between."

Kevin clenched his teeth again, "God, shut up, idiot. I'm not here for you. I need to talk about Double D."

Eddy narrowed his eyes and closed the front door behind him. "We gotta be quiet. Mom thinks he's got severe bronchitis."

"Why don't you tell her the truth?" They strolled off the porch and onto the sidewalk.

Eddy shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "It's not my story to tell. Plus, she gets really upset 'bout things like that."

Kevin glanced at him. Eddy was hiding something, but Kevin didn't bother to pry. "Whatever you say, man."

They walked in awkward silence for a bit until Eddy elbowed him, "What gives, man? You say you've got some shit to tell me and then nothing? Spill, Shovel-Chin."

Kevin scratched his nose, "Oh right. There's some things about Double D you should know. First of all, he was released from the hospital."

"What?" His eyes bulged, "Since when? Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He was gripping Kevin's jacket like it was his lifeline.

"Dude, chill. You're getting crazy. He was released from the hospital and admitted into Haven."

Eddy suddenly let go of his jacket, eyes wide, "Haven, huh?" His shoulders slumped.

"Something the matter?" He stopped them.

"Well, Me, Double D, and Ed would talk about that place all the time. My, uh, my…friend's dad went there, and Ed thought the name was the same thing as Heaven. He'd go around yelling 'Haven or Hell' 'cause he was so excited that he knew something. Of course, Sockhead corrected him, but our running joke was that we're all going to Haven when we die," He sighed shakily, "It's fucking depressing now." Eddy looked ready to cry right then. It's not like Kevin hadn't seen him cry before, but this was different. It's like Eddy had given up hope. It's like he honestly believed Edd would never forgive him.

"C'mon, man. Let's go somewhere so we don't have to stand around like dorks." Kevin began walking towards the strip mall while Eddy dragged his feet blankly behind him.

* * *

Edward Vincent was wrong. It wasn't something he liked to admit to himself often, but he couldn't ignore the facts. Haven was almost worse than the real world. The dark thoughts spun in his brain everyday. Everyone hated him. Everyone. He was just a nuisance. He was nothing.

They gave him pills. He didn't need pills. Pills were for the people who actually suffered from depression. Not him. Every meal, they fought with him. No, he wasn't hungry. He wasn't ever hungry anymore. Then, they settled with leaving him with the food and pills in his room. He eventually would eat some since he didn't particularly want to die. No, he didn't particularly want to die. There was just the constant, nagging feeling of nothing again. He wanted something sharp, a razor. His bandages itched to be taken off. His cuts whispered tantalizing persuasions.

NO.

He was stronger than this feeling.

He was strong. He was a Vincent. He wasn't mentally ill; he was being selfish. It was normal to hate yourself. It was normal to have horrible, horrible thoughts consume your brain. It was normal. He was normal.

Why was it so hard to tell himself that?

He hated the group therapy. Every time they grouped the kids together, they had to say their name, age, and "what got them to Haven." Every time they had group therapy , every time they bunched the mentally ill teenagers together, he was reminded of what he did. His suicide attempt. His selfish selfish selfish attempt to be in the spotlight, to finally be noticed. Whenever they had group, Edd told them he tried to kill himself and he felt worse and worse.

The kids were nice, he presumed. There were only two people with depression in his group. Two girls. One was really outgoing and talkative and the other seemed relatively nice. When they talked in group, he felt like they were baiting him out. They were trying to make him crack and tell everyone he'd been lying-that it was all for attention. Eddy was smart. If he took their bait, he'd be considered a more severe case. They would never believe a person his age could be so selfish selfish selfish. He wanted out of Haven, so he wouldn't tell them anything more than what they wanted to hear.

When group therapy and meals weren't happening, Edd stayed to himself. He was given a journal to write in and an old iPod to listen to music while a specialist watched over them. The journal was useless for its intended purpose. They'd read his thoughts and misjudge him. He drew instead. A lot of shading and thick, black lines littered the pages. Drawing helped clear the hell inside his brain. The music was pleasantly distracting. They put mind-numbing indie music on the device with warbling voices and obscure instruments. It wasn't his style, but it was nice nonetheless.

He could get through this week. Maybe this would be a test of his strength. He would prove to his father he could live like any other teenager. He would redeem himself for his selfishness. He swore it to himself.

* * *

You've been so very sweet, even on my latest hiatus! Lots of love to you all! Also, my Tumblr URL changed (shutupwesleyy) but it's still a thing. It's the best way to nudge me about the story, just in case I disappear for three months again. I hope to see you all very soon!


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